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All New Bulletproof Cigarettes (April Fool’s Day 2014)

All New Bulletproof Cigarettes (April Fool’s Day 2014)

You may think that the health scares of the 20th century went too far with the constant low-fat propaganda, but it’s much worse than that. The leaders in the health industry are scared to talk about the health benefits of cigarettes after they received most of the blame for the rise in lung cancer. However, new research on nicotine in relation to Parkinson’s disease has put the nail in the coffin on the issue. Cigarettes CAN be good for you, and it’s time to make them even better…

Why Cigarettes?

In the recent podcast with author Dan Hurley, I discussed the nootropic (brain-boosting) benefits of nicotine patches and gum (without the crappy sweeteners). There’s revolutionary research coming out about how nicotine can improve your brain power. And it makes sense: remember coffee and cigarettes at grandma’s breakfast table? Nicotine patches and gums do have an effect, but nothing compares to the meditative effects of cigarettes and the smoke that gets the nicotine to your bloodstream much more effectively.

But, it’s very difficult to find cigarettes that increase your performance. I used to smoke cigarettes every day while studying for my MBA at Wharton, and loved them along with my Modafinil and Aniracetam. Then I noticed that I had occasional brain fog with cigarettes. So I gave them up for years, and later read more about the production of tobacco leaves and possible mold contamination. And then it dawned on me…

All Cigarettes Are Not Created Equal

Mmmm. Biohacking.

Most cigarettes are blended from many farms, processed in huge amounts, and not controlled for mold contamination. Some cigarettes make you feel awesome while others make you feel terrible? You can blame the mold for that. So I set out to create the only cigarette that can make you feel awesome all the time. Say goodbye to brain fog after midday smoke breaks. The all new Bulletproof Cigarettes have an amazing flavor and a carefully controlled production process.

Bulletproof Cigarettes are:

1.       Made with an organic fair-trade heirloom tobacco species grown at high altitude in an obscure part of South America, harvested by indigenous tribes during a full moon.

2.       Only fertilized by the feces of grass-fed livestock, to avoid GMO contamination.

3.       Harvested and cured in a sterile environment to reduce the development of mold.

4.       Tested to ensure high nicotine content and no mycotoxin contamination.

5.       Marinated in Brain Octane Oil and grass-fed butter for at least 24 hours before shipping.

The new Bulletproof Cigarettes are the only tobacco product I know of made with ridiculously awesome-amazing-overbearing standards, and I smoke them every day.

Only grass-fed tobacco is used in Bulletproof Cigarettes.

Look for them soon on Upgraded Self, and in the upcoming Bulletproof Coffee Cigarette Trucks powered by recycled coffee grounds.

But Don’t Get Too Excited…

This post was Bulletproof’s joke for April Fool’s Day 2014. Many were almost convinced! 🙂

In reality, nicotine is a powerful biohack with a lot of research being released about its effects on the brain. For those wondering: opt for a patch or lozenge (without aspartame or other toxic sweeteners) for experimenting with nicotine. E-cigs can release harmful nanoparticles into the lungs, so steer clear of those.