Introducing Two Groundbreaking New Bulletproof Foods

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Beyond Veg: Burger-Based Plant Patties

If you love the taste of highly processed grain and plant proteins compressed into patties as if they were meat, you’re in for a treat!

Beyond Veg: Burger-Based Plant Patties are for people who crave a grain- or soy-based burger, but without all of the bloating, brain fog, and gas caused by eating grains and highly processed plant proteins!

Beyond Veg: Burger-Based Plant Patties are:

  • Made by hand by the same monks that train you in 40 Years Of Actual Zen. All monks are, of course, certified left-handed.
  • 100% natural
  • Non-GMO
  • Grain-free
  • Plant-free
  • Made of 100% coffee-fed beef, cows that eat exclusively mold-free Bulletproof Coffee Beans, to give you extra energy.

By substituting high-quality meat for unhealthy grains, you can still feel good about what you put in your body. Beyond Veg: Burger-Based Plant Patties are pure grass-fed ground beef pressed into burgers that taste much better than the ground up grains that even cows shouldn’t be eating.

Beyond Veg patties have a lower environmental footprint than grain-based “burgers,” and provide healthier soil to support real vegetables like broccoli.

Get Beyond Veg: Burger-Based Plant Patties now!

 

Beyond Veg: Imitation Vegan Tofu

If you’ve been following Bulletproof for a while, you know soy is not Bulletproof. It’s full of antinutrients like lectins, it has one of the highest pesticide loads of any crop, destroys prairie grassland, and it contains hormone disruptors.

There are even companies compressing and processing soy into patties, and mislabeling them as vegan “meat” despite the fact that doesn’t contain any meat at all.

For the last year, the Bulletproof Diet has felt increasingly incomplete to me. I realized one morning, over my cup of Bulletproof Coffee, that I was missing tofu. Bacon and grass-fed ribeyes are great and all, but I just wasn’t satisfied without that rubbery, gray, tasteless sponge in my diet.

So I went to the kitchen and started experimenting. It took several months of tweaking, but I’m finally happy to announce that Bulletproof Imitation Tofu is here, and it’s a significant upgrade over generic tofu.

Bulletproof Imitation Tofu makes normal tofu look even weaker

Bulletproof Imitation Tofu is:

      • 100% natural. No artificial sweeteners, phthalates, parabens, or plastics.
      • Non-GMO
      • Solvent-free. Instead of using solvents to make Bulletproof Imitation Tofu bland, we filter it through earthen clay to get the flavor out, just like we do with 100% coconut Bulletproof Brain Octane Oil.
      • “Rainforest-safe” because, just like generic MCT oil from palm oil, only a few orangutans were killed to make this tofu.
      • Made of 100% Upgraded Chicken™ meat, beaks, and feathers. The upgraded chickens come from family farms in either Guatemala or Colombia, depending on the season, and they eat a diet of coffee berries and lab-tested, mold-free Bulletproof tobacco – the same tobacco used in Bulletproof Cigarettes.

The tough part in developing Imitation Tofu was figuring out how to mimic the bland consistency of generic tofu. I tried hundreds of formulations, but I could always taste something like food in the samples. It wasn’t until we liquefied the chicken meat, and added in the Upgraded Bulletproof Chicken beaks and feathers that it achieved that perfect tofu consistency – soggy, yet crumbly and still rubbery, with zero flavor at all. It’s still less processed than those soy products labeled as if they were made of actual meat!

Bulletproof Imitation Tofu is a major upgrade over normal tofu. It is packed with healthy bioavailable protein, and no soy estrogen, but retains all the blandness of real tofu.

It’s time to enjoy all your favorite vegan recipes without any of the downsides of soy!

You can buy Bulletproof Imitation Tofu here!

Thanks for reading and happy April Fools Day!

 

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By Dave Asprey

  • Gänseblümchen

    Is this a joke 😀

  • Sam Lee

    Owe you got me April fools you fools!!

  • Jason

    Wait?…what?…oook. 🙂

  • Aragorn Urquhart

    I love it!!

  • Dagda

    I Love you people 🙂

  • Amy Humphries

    I actually like tofu, so make it so!

  • Osmara Vindel

    hahahahaha! April Fools! You almost had me then I read the “certified left handed monks” part.

  • Cara Zaller

    I was totally confused reading this – so glad it was a joke!

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