Emily Morse (Sex with Emily): Orgasms, Kegels & Sexology – #233
By: Dave Asprey
July 7, 2015
Why you should listen –
Emily Morse comes on Bulletproof Radio today to discuss improving your sex life, education around sex, premature ejaculation and overcoming it, and if size really matters. Enjoy the show!
Emily Morse is a sex and relationship expert and host of the top downloaded podcast, Sex with Emily. She is a Bravo TV star and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. Emily was voted the #1 dating and sex expert by DatingAdvice.com and the #1 dating and sex expert to follow on Twitter. She has been featured in The New York Times, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle. Emily earned her Doctor of Human Sexuality from the Institute for the Advance Study of Human Sexuality.
What You Will Hear
- 0:14 – Cool fact of the day
- 1:03 – Welcome Emily Morse
- 5:56 – Kegel exercise
- 12:28 – Sex education & porn
- 22:03 – Orgasms
- 30:47 – Premature ejaculation
- 34:08 – Sex and communication
- 38:04 – BDSM
- 46:19 – Eating for sex
- 49:35 – Does size matter?
- 52:00 – Do vibrators desensitize women?
- 53:01 – Top three recommendations for kicking more ass and being Bulletproof!
Questions for the podcast?
Leave your questions and responses in the comments section below. If you want your question to be featured on the next Q&A episode, submit it in the Podcast Question form! You can also ask your questions and engage with other listeners through The Bulletproof Forum, Twitter, and Facebook!
Dave: Hey, it’s Dave Asprey with Bulletproof Radio. Today’s cool fact of the day is that if men eat celery, it can actually make them more attractive to women. Chewing celery releases androstenone and androstenol odor molecules into your mouth, which travel up the back of your throat to your nose. Then the pheromones boost your level of arousal, which makes you a little bit turned on, and causes your body to send off scents and signal that make you more desirable to women.
On top of that celery contributes to nitric oxide in your body. If you, say, subscribe to my quarterly .co gift box every quarter, I actually send out nitric oxide test strips. When your nitric oxide levels are higher, you can get more blood into those regions where you want more blood when you’re doing that sex kind of thing. Celery is kind of a good thing.
The reason I’m talking about this, as you might have guessed, is that today’s guest is someone who knows a thing or two about sex. Our guest is Dr. Emily Morris, who’s a sex and relationship expert and host of the top-downloaded podcast, “Sex With Emily”. People generally say, “I’m going to go meet Sex With Emily,” and it’s funny. Emily, welcome to the show, for a start.
Emily: I’m so glad to be here, an honor.
Dave: You’ve done some other interesting stuff. In fact, you are the weekly co-host of the nationally syndicated radio show, “Loveline With Dr. Drew”.
Emily: Exactly. That’s how we met. Right?
Emily: I love doing it.
Dave: I was amazed. In fact, we’ll talk about when I met you on “Loveline” in a minute. Just so the audience knows, you’ve helped millions of struggling couples have healthy relationships that include sex. You’ve been voted number 1 dating and sex expert. You’ve written a book called Hot Sex: 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. You have a doctorate of human sexuality and a BA in psychology. You’re very well studied on this stuff, and you have the best podcast name ever.
Emily: Thank you. Yeah. It helped. Ten years ago when I was starting, especially when podcasting was first starting. It was called “Sex With Emily”. It became popular quickly. I’m like, people searching for sex. That probably helped. Thank you. I love it. I love the name. I love the brand. Good time.
Dave: When we first met, I was a little nervous. It’s because I’ve listened to “Loveline” for a long time. I was honored to be a guest, but I also know that Dr. Drew tends to be just a little bit skeptical of supplements, and here I am. I make supplements. I make creative new things like Unfair Advantage and all these crazy things. I went in there, and I believe in what I do. I think it’s backed by good science, but I was wondering if he was going to come in and go, “Oh, god. You have another pill-popping whatever.”
I was prepared to just be myself and share information, but I was blown away when you and Dr. Drew were like, “Bulletproof Coffee totally rocks.” I’m like, did this just happen? It was the coolest thing ever.
Emily: I thought you already knew they were fans walking in there. They were talking about it forever. You were like their hero, and Mike and Drew, Mike Catherwood, the other host, they have their own podcast they used to do, they talked about you for an hour before you were on. That’s funny that you think that.
Dave: Oh, my goodness. I wasn’t that well prepared. I hadn’t heard their podcast, so I was like, I’m just going to go ahead and see what happens.
Emily: That’s so great. You must have been very surprised. It’s funny because everyone is coming and trying to push supplements on them. Somebody came in a few weeks ago, and he was like, “Whatever, this got crap in it, this got crap in it.” He doesn’t like everything, but he loves Bulletproof.
Dave: I was really amazed and grateful. Then I got a chance to meet you. I’ve got to admit. I don’t listen to radio in my car as much because my commute is like 100- yard walk to my backyard. I haven’t been listening to shows as much as I once did. I was like, wow. There’s all this stuff that’s happening. I was particularly impressed with your perspective because studying sex as a sexologist is something that is considered still risqué.
Dave: It’s academically valuable, and it’s really useful. I think it adds a lot of value because sex is one of those three human behaviors that get us into trouble. There’s like being hungry all the time is one of the things. Always looking for whatever’s next, like distractibility, and then always wanting to have sex with whoever or whatever’s in front of you is the third one. You’ve hacked one of the three.
Emily: I did hack it. I did hack that. That’s how I started. I was very curious. I’ve always been curious about relationships. That’s how I started, with relationships. I’ve always thought that didn’t really make sense to me. What makes a happy relationship?
I come from a divorced family, but still, we all know the divorce is the thing. It always seemed that somehow sex was the culprit. I knew that it was always great in the beginning, but what seems to happen to couples when they’re together for a while?
When I started my podcast 10 years ago in my living room, it was a first year podcasting had started. I’d invite some people over, gay, straight, married, divorced, and I’d just started grilling them. What makes it work? How often do you have sex? When did the sex die? How do you keep alive? I’m fascinated by it. I think too is everybody’s interested. There’s nobody that it doesn’t impact. I think everybody needs more information because we’re constantly growing and changing in our lifetime. What we need, what we desire with our partners, without out our partners.
Dave: One thing that I appreciate about your work is that you have this thing called Kegel Camp. People might not know listening what a Kegel exercise is, or that they apply to men. Can you explain what is a Kegel exercise, and why should men care about them?
Emily: Yes, it’s men and women. Men are always surprised that they can do them as well. Kegel exercises are the most important exercise you’re not doing, I would say. It’s basically your pee-stopping muscles, the muscles you use to stop and start the flow of urine. That’s how you do them. You hold tense for three seconds, five seconds, and you relax.
What they do is they strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. For men that’s really important for prostate, for a healthy prostate. It can help with ejaculatory control. It can help then, like last longer. All that stuff. There are so many health benefits, and same for women, and for men, have stronger orgasms. For women, it can help with urinary incontinence after childbirth. For men it also includes bladder control, and for women, bladder control as well.
The thing is, it’s like any other muscle in your body. You go to the gym and work out all the time, and your doctor will always tell you, you’ve got to do your general exercises certain times in your life. No one ever remembers. Everyone says it’s so easy. You can do it at a traffic light. No one remembers, so I created an iPhone app that pops up every day and says, time for Kegel Camp. Every day at 11:30 for 5 minutes, I do my exercises, and it makes such a difference.
Also, I was going to say for men, also it can boost libido. There are so many sexual challenges that people have that can really be solved by Kegel exercises.
Dave: I’ll admit, I’m actually doing mine right now.
Emily: I love it. Five minutes. Then my app is, the funniest thing is it came out, and who knows if anyone’s going to set the alarm. You don’t know. You had 10 levels. Everyone was like, “I got to level 10. I’m on 20.” You compete with yourself and with each other. It’s a good time.
Dave: Does it post your results to Facebook?
Emily: It doesn’t do that yet, but it could. I don’t know if people would want that. I thought you were working. Why are you doing your Kegels at work? How do you feel about that stuff?
Dave: It’s like posting your Angry Birds score, but less angry. I like it.
Emily: Yeah. Kegel Camp is a good time.
Dave: A while back, this is maybe four years ago, I ran like yearlong experiment for a quantified self-talk that I gave about ejaculation in men. The Taoist teaching is that as you get older, you should have fewer ejaculations, not fewer orgasms, just fewer ejaculations as a man if you want to maintain your vitality. First off, what do you think? Is that accurate?
Emily: I think it can be accurate, but also think that you can go to extremes because it’s also healthy release, to ejaculate. I think it’s like everything, it’s like fasting. You don’t want to do it every single day, but sometimes it can help to practice that, to practice controlling it and not going over and experiencing orgasm without ejaculation. Some people’s minds are blown right now. That even exists?
Yeah, it does exist. Did you find it useful? I don’t think it’s a lifetime, but I think you probably learn a lot about yourself, and it felt good. Health benefits. What did you think?
Dave: I found this equation. It was age in years, minus 7 divided by 4.
Dave: Yeah, that’s right. Age minus 7, divided by 4, and what happened then, that’s the number of days, that result. It’s 8 days. That means I should ejaculate every 8 days or I should have more days between ejaculations in order to maintain my male stamina.
Dave: This is thousand-year-old stuff. It could be total BS. I tracked my daily happiness following this, sort of my satisfaction with life. I also tested their if you want to live forever, you should only ejaculate every 30 days kind of thing. That’s work. I failed those experiments more often than I was successful because you’re like, day 18. Gee, sorry. That was a mistake. I guess I’ll start over.
Emily: Eighteen is still pretty good, but I get what you’re saying.
Dave: Yeah. I published all this data, frequency of sex and all that kind of stuff, which is kind of embarrassing, but also kind of funny. What I found out was that at least for me, they were right. When you have fewer ejaculations, you have a lot more sex because you’re interested in sex more, and there’s a two or three day ejaculation hangover. After you ejaculate, you’re like, I’m less interested in things. I’m more impatient. I didn’t believe that was true, but it my own data it was true.
Emily: That’s interesting. The oxytocin, did you feel it didn’t spike as much and crash? You didn’t have that crash and burn that a lot of men get, or was it still getting like the feel good hormones, but without the wanting to escape and turn on the TV and..?
Dave: Yeah, you get all the oxytocin, but you’re still like, oh, yeah. You’re less like, leave me alone. I want to go do my thing now, and less like, I’m just going to fall asleep and ignore you. That kind of thing.
Emily: Exactly. You felt happier overall.
Dave: I liked my job better. I like everything better which was not what I was expecting at all. I talk about this, and this is one reason that you might consider not masturbating all the time and using internet porn. This is going back four years ago.
Emily: I agree to this, yeah. Then you stopped? Are you still practicing?
Dave: I just became aware that ejaculation has a biological cost for men, and probably not so much for women. I should do it consciously, and be like, today’s a good day to ejaculate, or maybe I’ll just have sex and not ejaculate. I’m okay with either one, whereas before it was like, if I don’t ejaculate, I’m going to die. That’s actually not true.
Emily: No, that’s a good lesson to learn. I think that could be absolutely right. It can suck because men are, now many are becoming addicted to that. Raising the level of what stimuli turns him on and what gets him going, as we all know, everyone’s watching a lot of porn and ejaculating way too much these days I think.
Dave: Do you believe in dopamine resistance? Like people who are just exposed to crazy porn online or lots and lots of sex that they just get resistant to those feel-good chemicals?
Emily: Yes. I do. I think you have to keep raising the bar and raising the bar. This is what’s making me so nervous about today’s youth, and how children are learning about sex. I do think you become resistant. If you see this thing on porn, and you keep raising the bar, that’s way more interesting than having sex with your partner. I just think you’ve got to abstain. We get calls all the time on “Loveline”, and I get emails every day myself.
It’s funny because after 10 years, it used to be women were just confused, usually younger women. It’s actually all women. It’s like, I don’t understand why men have to watch porn. This is the problem, that, if he’s got me, we’re having great sex. We’re in love. They don’t get that masturbation for men is a requirement. It’s totally something different. I might get shoes on Zappos tonight. I might go shoe shopping. A guy might masturbate. It’s like part of taking care of himself.
Now, however, I think it’s a whole other thing because porn is so readily available, and what kids are watching is just way over the top of what they’ve ever seen before. You used to see magazines, and they keep raising the bar with each other. Have you seen this? Have you seen this? When they have real sex with a partner, actual sex, it’s not going to feel the same. Also, they’re not going to want to … What was I going to say? It’s not going to feel the same. They’re raising the bar, and I do think that there is dopamine resistance.
Also the thing about porn is, I’m not knocking porn, I think there are some good uses for it , but my biggest issue is that that’s how people are learning about sex. This is people of all ages. They’re like, she’s clearly having a lot of orgasms. It looks like she’s having a great time. People don’t remember that it’s a fiction. It’s a film. She’s shooting towards camera, if his tongue is doing that thing, that would not feel good. You are nowhere near anywhere on the body where that feels good right now. While porn can be titillating, it’s not the best place to learn technically what to do sexually.
Dave: A lot of schools have no, they’re not going to teach this. I would say most schools aren’t going to teach those kinds of things. If you’re a teenage, or even just a young adult who’s not particularly experienced, where would you go to learn about sex? When I was a kid a lot time ago back when we didn’t have the wheel and everything, you’d maybe talk with your friends about it, or maybe look at a magazine. Animated gifs didn’t exist yet.
Emily: Yeah, exactly. It hasn’t changed. I think that we have less education, and probably not as good at quality education. It think it’s still not even good, but yet there’s more porn trumping anything they might have learned. That’s where they’re learning from. I would say today, I don’t think they’re really teaching it at schools that well. They’re still afraid to talk about masturbation, which is what I think especially for women … First of all, I’ll answer your question. I think that listening to podcasts, educating yourself, Our Bodies Ourselves, or Scarleteen is a great site for teens to go learn about sex. That’s a really good one. I have a lot listening my podcast, “Sex With Emily”.
The problem is that parents, we’re open to talk about it, but kids aren’t really going to go to their parents and learn about it. Again, they’re not teaching it in schools in what I think is important, especially for women. I’ve finally really had this uncomfortable talk with, I had the sex talk with my niece, who’s 15. My family’s always, I have 3 nieces. They’re like, “We can’t talk about.” They’re proud of me, but my mom’s like, “You are going to be talking about oral sex in when you’re 70 now?’
They like it because I’m helping people, but I said to her, I said, “Listen …” One of the reasons I started my show was because I came from a very liberal family. My mom said to me, “Talk to me about sex if you have any questions.” I didn’t have any questions, but the weird thing was I got to college, started having sex. People were talking about this thing called orgasms. I’m like, “What the hell’s that?” I certainly didn’t think sex was that great.
It never even occurred to me. This is rare, but it didn’t even occur to me to do that, touch myself. I didn’t even know it was an option. For a lot of women, they’re riding their bike when they’re 5 and, they’re like, “Ah, that’s feeling.” Men don’t have the same problem. What is it that I need so I know you hear a lot about what I do, and they made a little bit taboo, I said the most important thing is, for women especially that if you do masturbate and when you do, it’s really important to learn your own body. Learn what makes yourself feel good because nobody is going to be able to do that for you.
When you start having sex, and you are having sex, you don’t have to tell me, it’s not just about his pleasure. It’s about your pleasure as well. I think a lot of us are socialized that especially with porn that women think they’re supposed to act and move in a certain way and do certain things and look a certain way and do certain things that’s going to make him like it more and be attracted. It’s about you and your special pleasure. End of story. That was like a two-minute conversation, but she was getting very uncomfortable.
Honestly, it stuns me. I wanted developed an iPhone app or something, or some kind of interactive app that parents can give a kid. My friends’ kids call me all the time. I want to know what to do. I think there’s still a huge dearth of knowledge for kids today to learn about sex.
Dave: There’s a gap. There’s the high school biology class. This is the clitoris, some sort of road map to finding it, but you know it’s in there somewhere. Here’s the inner structures. It’s like, here’s a picture of a guitar, but not how to play the guitar.
Emily: Exactly. We’re taught nothing. You remember like when Joycelyn Elders, when she surgeon general, I think, in ’92, when Clinton was president, she wanted to teach masturbation in school. She got fired because they thought it was a horrible thing. That would have been an interesting thing to learn about where you clitoris is. It exists. It has 8,000 nerve endings. That’s the only reason it exists. It’s for pleasure. No one tells you that.
Yeah, it would be nice to have a road map. That’s what I do a lot on my show. I really get down to the specifics. Tonight I’m actually teaching a workshop, an oral sex workshop, for men and woman. I’ve got anatomy charts for breaking it down. I still think that no matter what age you are, you can always learn more. I think that’s my main message is that sex should be expansive, and we should be constantly learning and growing. Our bodies are changing too, so never stop learning what makes you feel good, and communicating with your partner about it. If you’re along, experimenting with yourself.
We get stuck, I think. We think, this is how it goes. This is how I do it, and that’s it. That’s sex, and what’s for dinner. Sex is this amazing thing that we can all experience so much pleasure. I don’t think that we’ve even scraped the surface. When you did the Taoist the tantric sex, and that’s very rare that people experiment with that. You’re one of those pioneers that does that kind of stuff.
Dave: I was doing something that was thousands of years old, so I was maybe I’m a copycat.
Emily: No, I’m saying though I don’t know many men. In my industry, I do. I’m just saying there’s so many things like that in the sexual world that you could learn about your body and train your body to experience more pleasure and more control. Taking your body back. Not just letting it happen to you, not reacting to what’s happening, but like paying attention to your body and realizing that it has all these tricks, like all these ways.
Dave: One of the biggest effects that came from doing this and it took about a year to do the experiment because if you’re going to test, what’s it like to go one month without ejaculating? Getting to one month to do it two or three times, that’s like three months, but the odds of you being perfect are not that high. I have these charts where I’m like, day 1, day 2, day 24, oops. Ahh, it’s not alright. You start over again.
Emily: You’re a perfectionist. That’s pretty good.
Dave: Sure. What it taught me is there’s that voice in your head. Like there’s that voice, eat the cookie. Eat the bagel. And there’s a voice, is this a threat? Do I need to kick that guy’s ass? That whole aggressive voice, but then that other sexual voice, it’s constantly basically clamoring. I did tame that. I can have desire, but I feel like it owns me less. A few Bulletproof listeners have reached out over the last couple of years, and said, “Dave, I heard your progress about that. I tried it, and I started a company.”
Emily: No way.
Dave: I got a giant raise. Totally. All that energy goes somewhere. If it’s not going into porn and masturbation or ejaculating and making new prostate glands all the time, it needs to go somewhere. I didn’t discover that. That’s Napoleon Hill or something.
Emily: Absolutely. It’s an ancient practice. I think that’s amazing. Yeah, because men, we always joke men think about sex every 5 minutes. They really do. It’s always on the mind. It’s not conscious, so to remove that. It is like you’re being on a diet, or having that kind of control and motivation and that determination to be able to stick with it like you do with that kind of thing. I think that could be useful. I also think that men have to continue that. It can’t be for a lifetime, but it’s a good practice.
Dave: Yeah, that’s not going to work. Here’s another question for you. How long do men have orgasms? How long is the average male orgasm, and how long is a potential male orgasm?
Emily: That’s a great question. The typical male orgasm is between 6 and 8 minutes, 4 to 6, 4 to 8 minutes.
Dave: You said minutes. Most people when you say that, they imagine a guy turning himself inside out. How does a male orgasm last for 4 to 6 or 8 minutes?
Emily: I’m sorry. I thought you were asking how long it takes him to orgasm.
Dave: No, no. The actual orgasm itself.
Emily: The orgasm itself lasts, I would say, about 3 to 6 seconds. You can train your body to have longer orgasms as well.
Dave: One of the Taoist principles that was in the same thing, it was actually a translation of a Czech book that my wife had found a long time ago. She speaks Czech. She actually made it up to torment me, I think. It also said that you could, when you have your every 30 day ejaculation, you should limit your orgasm, not your ejaculation, but your orgasm to not more than 30 minutes. If you guys are watching the video on iTunes, that was priceless because Emily’s eyes just got super big.
Emily: I know people who teach extended orgasms for women. I know people who teach courses on extending for men and woman. Okay, that’s amazing. Were you able to do that?
Dave: I wasn’t necessarily trying to, but I did get … It’s very hard to run a stopwatch and have an orgasm, so that’s not compatible. The one time that we did that, it was more than 8.5 minutes. That sounds like … Your abs hurt a lot, and you’re like, “Could I just stop, please?” Literally, I’ve had enough. Please go away now, which to me was a new experience. There’s all these things that your body can do around that stuff that are not taught anywhere that I know of.
Dave: You’re teaching some classes that may touch on that.
Emily: I do. I absolutely do. There’s also things about it like … The thing is, we have beliefs about our bodies. There’s a lot of ways that they can, women, for example, they think they can only orgasm one way. They think, okay, I know I can only have a clitoral orgasm. Or, I can’t have an orgasm during intercourse. The truth is that only 30% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse, but the interesting thing to that is that’s a limiting belief. It’s because it hasn’t happened yet. It doesn’t mean that it’s not possible.
What I always teach people is that you don’t know what’s possible until you actually put the work in. Like you put the work in. Last month, May is masturbation month, which is actually Joycelyn Elders, they started masturbation month. Spend some time, 30 minutes a day, a week just exploring your body. Take orgasm out of the equation, and figure out what makes you feel good. Or, I can’t have a G-spot orgasm. It’s not even during intercourse. I’ve never had one, so therefore it’s not possible.
Maybe you haven’t been with a partner where it’s been possible. Women often believe someday my prince will come, and so will I.
Dave: That’s a good quote.
Emily: He never came, so neither did I. There are so many toys out there. There are so many experiences you can have. For example in my office, we have intern sex toy review day. I get boxes and boxes of sex toys sent to my office every single day. We actually have a segment on our YouTube channel, What’s In the Box? Fleshlights, or sex toys. We-Vibe makes really … I don’t know if you’re into sex toys, but they make really great sex toys. They make a couples vibrator. They have this new one called the We-Vibe Touch.
One of my interns, she’s like 26, she’s a little bit older for an intern, and she said, we were talking about it in my office, and we talk about everything. All women, and one man. She said to me, “I’m going to take this home and we were trying to have multiple orgasms.” She said, “I never had one. I can’t have one.” I said, “How do you know you can’t have one?” She’s like, “I haven’t had one.” Okay. I wouldn’t limit you yet. Why don’t you just see what happens?
She went home with this Touch, and the next day, I didn’t talk to her. She was on the show, the interns. She told me during the show she had five orgasms that night. Yeah. I made her believe that … I guess I gave her hope that it was possible. For her, it was possible. Now she’s like, “Oh, and I had seven the other day.” Now, the thing is, it’s not just about being alone. Now she knows when she’s with a partner, she’s like, “I can do this.” I can keep going. She’s not limiting herself to that.
I think the same goes for G-spot. There’s a lot of women who can’t find that. It all goes into spending time by yourself, in your room. Women are like, I don’t have time. I’ve got kids. I’ve got whatever, but this is like fun homework. This is like take a bath. Set the atmosphere because our brains are our largest sex organ. We’re distracted, which a lot of are all the time. These means turning off your cell phone. Lighting some candles, and just like don’t go right to the spot you know because we’re also quick too. In our culture, we learn just to do it quickly and we’re done.
If you start to explore other erogenous zones on your body, what if the back of your knee could give you the most amazing pleasure of your life, but you never find out until your deathbed? That would be so sad. There’s so much more exploring to do and learning to do. That’s what I encourage people to spending time.
Or with your partner. How fun is that? As we know, in relationships often sex can become stale or rote, and couples don’t really prioritize it or work on it, and then there’s problems. If they make that a goal at the beginning , which as I always tell couples, you’re going to prioritize your kids. You’re going to decide if you want to live in the city or the country, have a 401K, but what’s your plan for your sex life? Your house, you job. What about your sex life?
Constantly be, I don’t know what it would be. Buy some toys together. Take a sex class together. There’s these blended orgasms, extended orgasm. I get invites every day. Come to this massive extended orgasm seminar in somewhere in Northern California where I lived for a long time. There’s always things like that.
I just that anything you want to experience sexually, and even if you don’t know that there’s possibilities, there’s a lot of out there. It would blow your mind. And it’s sex. Sex is fun. I think we’ve made sex really hard and challenging for a lot of people. It’s become more of a challenge and more difficult for a lot of people than it is just pleasure. I’m trying to bring the fun back into sex.
Dave: This works pretty well if you have a partner, but if you’re relying on Tinder or Grindr or one of those hookup apps like that, you can have fun, but there’s some risk I’m going to get pregnant or some STI kind of thing.
Emily: Absolutely. I know you date. You should absolutely always use protection. Always. That’s still not 100%, but you should have condoms on you, and use protection. It is true that women are more likely to have orgasm and better sex with people that they feel that they can trust and that they’re intimate with. That’s true.
However, if you are having casual sex, which I’d say people are more than not these days, if you still spend some time learning what makes you feel good, you know how to move when you’re having sex with this person, it doesn’t matter what he knows. You know what you have to do to get yourself there. It’s not a waste of a Tinder date. It can still be a good time.
Dave: Plus, if you know how to play your own instrument, the other person’s going to have a better time anyway. Most people, when they’re having sex, they appreciate that the other person’s enjoying themselves.
Emily: Exactly. That’s what men say. The number one thing about … The questions I get from men, are like how do I please her? How do I make sure she’s having a good time? How do I make sure that she got off? I don’t know, and I want to know. Men are so curious about it. They really do want to please you. Women feel pressure that they don’t know how to please themselves or that it’s taking too long, and couples don’t communicate about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. The more you talk about sex, the better sex you will have. I think it get confusing, so women fake it. I think if you know how to play your own instrument, show someone else.
I always say mutually. Mutual masturbation is a great way for couples to learn what each other likes. Don’t waste time having bad unfulfilling sex. Life’s too short.
Dave: That makes good sense. I asked a few Bulletproof followers for questions that we could ask you. I want to ask you a few that came at the top of the list. Number one. Promescent, the FDA delay spray that you can put on as a man so that you don’t ejaculate too quickly that doesn’t allegedly rub off and numb everything on your partner, which would be counterproductive. Thumbs up, thumbs down?
Emily: Okay, I have to say, thumbs up. I’ve tried it, and so erectile dysfunction, Viagra, huge. Like multi-billion dollar company. Everyone’s got the blue pills. For premature ejaculation, there has been no FDA approved treatment until now. What they are giving men now are antidepressants, which will delay your ejaculation, but then they’ve got all the side effects of antidepressants.
Promescent, it is a quickly absorbing delay spray. It’s slightly numbing. You wait 10 minutes to have sex, and it doesn’t transfer to your partner at all. I’ve used it with a partner. I’ve talked about it on my show. People have been really happy. I know the owner of the company actually. In this business, we all know each other. I’ve never had anyone return it. It hasn’t had complaints, and people keep ordering it because there’s really nothing else like it out there.
The problem with premature ejaculation is that it’s mind. It could be physical, physiological. It could be in your mind. Kegel exercises do help, but yet they maintain them. If you could try this spray, and it works.
Dave: All right, so that’s a thumbs up. What about these new cannabis sex creams? There’s all sorts of CBD oil? What’s your take on those?
Emily: Yeah. The coconut oil lubricant. I’ve heard some good things about it. I’ve heard that if you’re not a marijuana smoker, but you use it, so it’s, there’s like a lubricant. It’s called Foria, the one that I know about. A friend of mine started. It’s basically coconut oil and the THC. They mix them together, and you use it. You wait a half-hour, and you put it inside of you. It’s totally body safe.
Apparently, a lot of women are having a lot of great orgasms from it. Some women, not so much. If you already have a high tolerance or you smoke a lot, it might not have the same impact. I’m not against it. If you have never had an orgasm or you’re having challenges sexually, you could try it. I don’t think it makes you really high or anything, but I’ve mixed things. I’ve heard, it’s amazing, changed my life. I had 18 orgasms. I’ve heard, it didn’t do anything for me, and I broke out in a rash.
Dave: Assuming that you don’t have a rash. I know that THC can raise alpha brainwaves and so do orgasms. You’ll have a hard time having an orgasm if you don’t have alpha in your brain.
Dave: You could probably stack those two. It would make sense.
Emily: Exactly. It does to an extent. It does absolutely make sense. The thing is, THC levels in your brain, you’re more relaxed. You’re more everything. You can just get out of your body. The reason that women can’t a lot of them have orgasms is because they are too much in their head, and they’re not relaxed. If you’re racing, no. Try it. Have a good time, people.
Dave: All right. We’ll do that. Now, this is a question from some of the people in the Bulletproof team. How do you give constructive feedback to men, so that they’ll actually implement and actually remember? This is obviously from one of the women on the team, or many women on the team.
Emily: Yes. Sexual advice that they’ll remember?
Dave: In other words, that was good. Do more of that. I’m assuming that’s what they meant, or like you need to do this more. Whatever it is, but how do you give constructive feedback? Like, that didn’t work for me, and I want you to do it different next time, but I don’t want to offend you, and I want you to actually remember it so next time you’ll do it?
Emily: Very, very carefully. First of all, you don’t want to be like, that was horrible. What did you do? It’s like the sandwich approach. I always say the best thing to say is like, “I’m really enjoying our sex life. That’s was so fun. What did you do last night, that thing that you did at the end with your fingers? That was amazing. That blew my mind.” Or in the moment, you can say, “Wow, that feels really good.”
The problem is, and I know a lot of women are frustrated with this, and I’m sure men, they’re like, I told him. He saw how happy I was. He didn’t remember. They take offense to the fact that they told them, but sometime you’ve got to tell them a few times. Don’t take it personally. You’re in the heat of the moment. I always like to say that I love the sex like we’re having. I think it would be fun to try new things and take it to another level.
Let’s say, you want to experience something new. If you want to guide them, you can just say … Reinforce them in the moment too. Wow, what you’re doing there with your mouth, that feels amazing. Keep doing that. That’s great. If you’re in pain, of course you should speak up that you’re in pain. But positive reinforcement tends to work best, and you might have to repeat it a few times. Don’t get mad at your partner if they don’t remember. There’s a lot of things going on in their brain when you’re having sex.
Dave: Let’s face it. Orgasm is an altered state, and so if you told someone something when they were really drunk or really stoned and they didn’t remember it, you wouldn’t be surprised. Telling someone something right after they came is not going to probably be a good time for learning.
Emily: No. Not a great time for conversation, for deep conversations. You can cuddle and fall asleep, but no, keep telling them over. This is that I like. I think since couples have such a hard time talking about sex … I get these emails all the time. They’re like, “I asked my wife if she would dress up for me in a skirt one night, and she didn’t do it, and I’m really upset.” I’m like, “You asked her once? How many times?” They’re like, “Yeah, I said it one time, but she doesn’t care.” I’m like, “Buy her the skirt. Take her shopping. Think of another way to get the same result.” We all learn in different ways. Maybe you need to take his hand and guide him. Maybe you need to take her shopping.
It’s the same thing I tell couples who want to spice up their relationship. Sometimes you need a third party. Sometimes that third party could be going shopping in a sex toy store. It could be going online and buying something. A lot of couples listen to my podcasts together. They buy a book together. They watch educational TV together, or they talk.
I always say exchange your three top fantasies that you have. What’s your bucket lists? You both write it down and you exchange it. See what you want to try. If that doesn’t work, because there’s a lot of men who have told me that my partner doesn’t fantasize. She does think about it. She doesn’t think about sex. Wait until I hack that and say, okay, then have her write down the three most memorable times you guys have had intercourse. Then you’ll learn a lot from that.
She loved it when you were on the beach in Maui under the palm trees, or she liked it that time when you were in the shower. Whatever it is, you’re learning some useful information.
Dave: Got it. All right. Hopefully, Bulletproof team, whoever asked that, I hope that answer helped you.
Emily: They can just email me directly too.
Dave: Okay. I think she’s serious about that.
Emily: I am.
Dave: All right, and we have your email, so you may get an email from some Bulletproof people. Next question from the team, 50 Shades of Gray. Real BDSM, or sort of a bad representation.
Emily: Oh, that’s a tough question. I think if you’ve never seen BDSM before, and you know nothing about BDSM, it’s really confusing. You have no concept with why this woman would put up with this kind of pain. Is it because he’s got a plane? Is it because he’s so wealthy?
I think it’s beautifully shot. I can see it’s erotic, and it can turn people on. Yes, that is levels of BDSM. BDSM can also be putting a blindfold on your partner and giving them a massage with a massage candle, like a little warm oil. There’s different ranges of it, but I don’t think it was a great representation for people who really want to learn about BDSM to understand what it meant. I think it left a lot of people confused. Turned on, but with lots of questions.
Dave: What’s the psychology behind BDSM?
Emily: It’s a power play. It’s about one person being dominant, and the other person being submissive. I wouldn’t even say it’s typically the man, but in this case, I’ll just say the man enjoys having control, and being able to control his slave or his partner to do whatever he wants sexually. There could be other things in your agreement.
The thing about BDSM is that you have, as you saw in the movie, is that there are rules and guidelines and safeword. It’s not like you can just come in and you can start whipping with a cane. It’s set up. It’s a process. Couples who get into it, they really get … It’s their ritual. They get into it. They have their flogging gear. They have all their … The thing is, it really is about control. The thing about sex that is so enticing to them is when there is the power dynamic. Who’s on top? Who’s on bottom? Who’s in charge, and who’s not? A lot of times it is the man, and women, can really be aroused by the fact that this man desires her so much that he just has to have her.
While it could be painful, pleasure and pain, like the synapses, the receptors are so closely linked, I think that’s what confusing to people too. They’re like, “She’s in pain.” But when you’re in a heightened state, again, like you’re in with BDSM, if you’re being spanked really hard, that could be connected to an arousal state as well, being in pain and pleasure. If that helps explain it.
Dave: I have several friends I can think of who are into BDSM who have explained it, or at least described healing, like psychological emotionally healing. They reach a point of catharsis where they think they can’t handle it, and they can handle it, and all the sudden, they’re happier. Is there some element to that that’s there in your experience?
Emily: Yeah. I thinks it’s different for everybody. For a lot of people, it can release a lot of … saying like psychological barriers or wounds in their lives, things that were holding them back. They were able to release emotions in their body, that were trapped in their body. Is that what you are saying? Memories?
Dave: Yeah, exactly.
Emily: It can be cathartic. I’ve heard that as well. I’ve heard that people, that it’s been very healing. They have to be in the right kind of relationship with a trusted partner. You don’t find this guy on Tinder. Do you know what I mean? It’s usually trusting long term, or trusting …
Dave: You should probably trust someone before you let them tie you up…
Emily: Exactly. May sure they’re experienced .You have a safeword. Yeah, again, we’re talking about the ranges of sexuality, sexual experiences that are out there, and BDSM is one of them. It isn’t for everybody, but for a lot of people it is. It’s the most intense, enjoyable kind of intimacy that they’ve ever experienced in their lives in any relationship. I know people who are married, got divorced, got into BDSM, and it changed their life.
I also think that the thing about it is it’s like any kind of love or any kind of relationship. It’s finding the right partner to share with. You could also have a BDSM relationship that doesn’t work for you. If you’re both processing it together in your own same level, it could be very healing.
Dave: That makes sense to me. The talk about pleasure receptors, it reminds that I do this kind of unusual electrical stimulation for muscle and neurological growth. It’s a really intense feeling that’s like pain, but kind of not pain. About 80% of people, they’re like, okay, that hurts. They’re like, ow. Fighting against these electrodes to do a bicep curl or whatever it is.
Then the other 20% of people, they laugh uncontrollably from the exact same input. I actually have this theory that if when you were a kid, if someone held you and tickled you until you just couldn’t stand it, that overwhelmed neurologically turns into laughing. But if someone didn’t have that or whatever the formative time would be, then you’re like, that actually kind of hurts, but I can overcome that. It’s funny. Exactly the same input, very different feelings.
When you’re talking about with something with BDSM and spanking or whatever, people can interpret the neurological input where for that person, ouch! For the other person, it pushes some other button.
Emily: Right. Exactly. You’re also hitting certain erogenous zones too. If you’re slapping somebody’s ass, there’s so many nerve endings on there that can feel really good. There’s also all these electrostimulation vibrators now too, speaking of electrostimulation. There’s a lot of technology happening with vibrators now.
Dave: They put the electrodes on the vibrator itself?
Emily: I have not tried it yet. I have 16 of them in my office.
Dave: I want to see your office. It’ll just be this wall of dildos.
Emily: Well, there is. There’s like Fleshlights. There’s sex toys. I just got a Sybian. What the hell am I going to do with that? It’s in my garage.
Dave: Put in your waiting room. What else would you do with it?
Emily: I’m saying it’s at my house now. I’ve got to bring it to my office. Like, have a seat on the Sybian. No, the Sybian is amazing. For people who don’t know what it is?
Dave: Yeah, tell people what it is. I know what it is.
Emily: Everyone knows it from Howard Stern. It’s the largest probably sex toy out there. It looks like a horse saddle, and you sit on it, and it’s got all these contraptions. It’s a very powerful orgasmic machine. The interesting thing about a Sybian is it’s been around for a long time. Howard Stern used have to porn stars on, and they’d … Whatever, on his radio show, in the heyday. Now, he just does really good interviews, which I prefer.
But the thing about the Sybian is that it’s actually an interesting tool for couples to use because there’s been a lot of studies that they’ve done. They’re a very successful company that the Sybian actually, for women who can’t have orgasms with their partner, or can’t easily orgasm at all, if they use it with their partner. There’s like a training that, there’s a study that showed that when they use it together, there’s all these attachments, and they transfer to the bedroom, that like the highest percentage of women, I would say 90% of women, were able to then have orgasms with their partner that they were not able to have.
Dave: Wow, so there’s a training?
Emily: That’s the Sybian.
Dave: There’s a training effect for orgasm. Almost a Pavlovian response. Like my partner is there. I have this incredible robotic orgasm machine making me orgasm, so now there’s associated in the brain, and you can get past whatever is holding you back.
Emily: Absolutely. Orgasms are definitely Pavlovian. Aren’t there certain sounds, smells, scents. All of our senses are so involved in it. You smell something. You hear something, and it can get you aroused. You can also rewire that. You can also train yourself. If you just hear the buzz of a certain vibrator, or you think a certain thought, women can train themselves to have orgasms. Women can have orgasms just thinking.
Dave: Does that work for guys? Not that machine, but the idea of training guys. I think I can train myself with Bulletproof Coffee. Just like every time I drink it, to even have more pleasure. You don’t have to answer that.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah, you probably could. I know that coffee’s brought a lot of people pleasure.
Dave: That’s true. All right. Let’s talk about eating for sex. Not eating during sex, the whipped cream and things that people talk about that isn’t very fun.
Emily: Don’t ever put anything sugary inside a woman.
Dave: Got it. One of the things that I’ve found very consistently, when I’m dealing with high performers, including myself, and clients, we want to be in that very focused state where you’re able to have physical and psychological or cognitive output. You’ve got to have adequate fuel. If you have salad, and you’re expected to have a marathon sex session, what’s going to happen if you eat something different before? I’ll just put it this way. What should you eat before sex to have the most powerful sex?
Emily: It’s not just about one thing that you can eat before sex. It’s about having an overall healthy diet. If you smoke, you eat a lot of meat, a lot of fatty foods, and you’re not exercising, you’re probably experiencing, may be experiencing some problems sexually. Or you will if your diet contains just, say, you continue to have a poor diet, health, and nutrition. I wouldn’t say there’s a super food. Maybe, I don’t know, MCT oil? You would be able to tell me that as a man how it impacts you, but I would just say that if you’re having any challenges, and your health isn’t very good, and you’re not able to maintain erections or whatever it is, a lot of it can do with your diet, your health, your exercise.
And your endorphins. The more you exercise and the healthier that you eat, the more you’re going to want to have sex. The more that you’re going to be a better lover.
Dave: I always look at sex as an intense workout, which it sort of is. What would you do before and after a workout like that? One of the things that really helps, if you assume that sex is a brain based behavior, as well as body based, having more mitochondrial function, more energy in your cells, more spark is going to help you physically and to do whatever electrically whatever happens during orgasm.
Dave: Being hungry and having sex is probably a bad idea. Being stuffed and having sex is clearly not a good idea.
Emily: It’s not a good idea to go out for a big meal, and then try to have sex. That’s so true. Right. I would just say, try to keep it light. Try to have a light meal with protein, and something healthy. I don’t think that it works that quickly. I don’t know. Just make sure you’re eating enough food, but you’re eating something healthy. Drink a lot of water, especially for women. The more water you drink, the more able you are to have orgasms. A lot of us are walking around hydrated all the time, and we don’t even know.
Emily: Yeah, exactly. I’m trying to think. What was the study for that? It was something about water, how much water you should drink? I can’t remember, but it was something about water and orgasms and drinking, so be hydrated.
Dave: It would make sense that being hydrated, lots of things aren’t going to get as engorged as they should.
Emily: Exactly. You want to engorge. Everything counts.
Dave: Another question from the forums. Does size matter? You’ve probably answered this a gazillion times on “Loveline”. For Bulletproof listeners who haven’t heard “Loveline” what’s the short take on that?
Emily: It’s a good question. Size only matters to guys, more than it matters to women. Men worry about size. There have been studies that came out that for men, it’s like 80% of men worry about it, and only like 30% or 20% of women actually care about size. As long as you know how to use all your body parts, it’s not just about the penis. It’s about your hands, your mouth, there’s so many other tools at your disposal that we’re not looking at it like you are at all. Guys, not only are they worried about it, it’s actually inhibiting men from their actual performance. They’re actually having less satisfying sex because they worry so much about the size of their penis.
Now, that said, sure. There are some women would are like, I would only like a large penis. Just like there are men who only like women with large breasts. That’s totally fine, but on average, the average penis is like 6 to 7 inches, and I think that men think that they should be, that they should be so much bigger, and that women are judging them. As long as they’re taking care and making sure that she’s happy, they do not need to worry about it. It’s just such a waste. It’s just a waste of mental energy because women don’t care as much. Some might, but not what you think at all. I learned that everyone hears horror stories, like, “Oh my god, a woman came over and she laughed right away.”
No, you don’t hear that. In fact, even me and my girlfriends, sure, there’s some that are like, I really want size. It’s really rare. It’s all in the dudes’ minds. Relax, guys. Worry about other stuff.
Dave: Size is all in your head.
Dave: Yes, I said that out loud.
Emily: Wait. What was I going to say? Dehydration can affect your sex drive as well as diet, that’s what it was. I was writing something up here. That’s all.
Emily: Yeah. Drink more water before sex. That was what I was trying to find. Forget size. Some check on it.
Dave: All right. I’ve got one more question for you, and we’ll wrap up.
Emily: I love it.
Dave: Wrap up our show. This one, I think I know the answer to it, given your description of your laboratory there. Do vibrators desensitize women?
Emily: Vibrators do not desensitize women. You can become attached to the way that you orgasm. Just like we were talking about expanding how you experience pleasure, so if you only used your hand to orgasm, I’d say and that was the only way you could orgasm, I’d say you’re missing out. I’d say try rubbing yourself over your pants. Try using lubricant. The thing is, the reason why people think they become desensitized to it is because they’re using the same vibrator over and over again, and they can’t have an orgasm with a finger.
Then I’d say, abstain from it. I’d say, pull back. Mix it up. Don’t use the vibrator for a week or two. Go back to using your hands or using lube or even using a different vibrator. But it’s not going to desensitized.
Dave: Great. Now we get to my real favorite question, which is the one that we end every interview with, which is based on all the stuff about sex, but also about your life in general. Someone comes to you, and they say, “I want to be better at everything,” Whatever it is that they do. What are the three most important things they need to know?
Emily: The three most important things I would say to trust your instincts. Trust yourself. You have all the answers. A lot of times you have all the answers and you don’t even realize it. It’s right inside of us. That’s a skill as well.
Meditation. Hugely helpful. Even if it’s just 10 minutes a day. I used to do this 10 day silent retreats, where they say you have to do it.. Ten minutes make a world of difference. I also think that you have to understand that failure is a learning tool. It’s like step on the ladder to success. It’s not really about failing. What I say is I fail, but I get back up. That’s really changed my perspective because being an entrepreneur and building this brand over a span of 10 years, it’s been tough. I realize that I’ll go and do these other things. I would just say keep going. Follow your passion.
Dave: Trust your instincts, meditation, and be willing to fail.
Emily: Be willing to fail. Accept your failure, and learn from your failure. If you don’t learn from your failure, then there’s no point, but learn from it. Trust your get back up quickly.
Dave: Awesome. Thank you for sharing that extra knowledge that was not just about sex.
Emily: I can talk about more things than sex, Dave, really.
Dave: You absolutely can. Now, that said, we know your show’s called “Sex With Emily” and people can download it on iTunes, but where else can they find more about your work?
Emily: SexWithEmily.com. Also, I’m on Twitter, so it’s @SexWithEmily, and I write for Glamour, Harper’s Bazaar, Men’s Health, Women’s Health. I’m always tweeting out articles. People love it. Then I’ve got this crazy Facebook page it’s Facebook.com/SexWithEmily. That’s just blowing up. We also put a lot of full articles on there. People love that. It’s fun because people know me through Facebook but not the podcast. I have all these ways that I’m just dispersing information. Instagram. It’s “SexWithEmily” across the board.
Dave: All right. Emily, it was a pleasure having you on Bulletproof Radio. Thank you so much, and I look forward to coming down and visiting you in Southern California.
Emily: Come soon. I would love to see you.
Dave: Have an awesome, awesome evening, and a good class. For people listening to Bulletproof Radio here in your car, if you’re in Southern California, you should check out one of Emily’s seminars. She’s a leader in her field. Literally has influenced millions of people, and it’s totally worth your time. What happens when somebody like Emily is on Bulletproof Radio is that a bunch of Bulletproof people show up. You can expect that you’ll meet someone else who drinks Bulletproof Coffee.
Emily: I can’t wait to meet them. We can serve it at my next event.
Dave: Totally. Let’s talk about that offline. I’ll totally hook you up. There’s tons of events where they use it because you have more energy, and then you have more whatever it is you’re going to have.
Emily: I’m going to have some right now because I’ve got to teach oral sex for two hours.
Dave: I’m so excerpting that. That’s my new ringtone.
Dave: Thank you, Emily.
Emily: Okay. Thank you.